Batman & Robin (1997)
Directed By: Joel Schumacher
Batman/Bruce Wayne: George Clooney
Love Interest: Julie Madison (No one significant)
Villains: Mr. Freeze (Arnold), Poison Ivy (Uma), Bane (Bob Swenson)
Sidekicks: Robin (Chris O'Donnell), Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone)
Score: Elliot Goldenthal, but this time no hit Seal songs...
High Points
- Batman mentioned Superman!
- The scenes between Bruce and Alfred were nice and actually held a tiny bit of weight.
- Commissioner Gordon actually seemed to have a relationship with Batman.
- John Glover (Lionel Luthor, voice of Riddler) cameoed as cliched crazy scientist #1.
- At least Bane was powered by Venom. (You hear that Chris Nolan?)
- The movie attempted to adapt Paul Dini's origin for Mr. Freeze from Batman: The Animated Series. (Then decided to take this tragic villain and turn him into an unsympathetic pun spewing fool).
- Julie Madison was a real Batman love interest from comics.
- Poison Ivy's monkey dance and constant sexual innuendoes were awesome because Uma Thurman was extremely attractive.
- That part when Mr. Freeze "swung" on a vine.
- Coolio!
- Riddler and Two-Faces costumes were in Arkham.
Favorite Line: "What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age" - Mr. Freeze
Favorite Scene: The Bat Credit Card! Never leave the cave without it!
Low Points:
- Robin and Batman's relationship was once again misrepresented. Bruce and Dick have an unique bond that doesn't include bickering over Bruce being overprotective, Dick being a whiny pussy, and them both trying to bang the bad "guy".
- Adam West's Batman may be campy, but the humor of his Batman hit it's mark. This film on the other hand was campy in order not to be dark so WB could avoid another parental backlash. It's humor was plant + ice puns which if you actually found humorous (unless you think it's so bad it's good) you should have your head examined.
- The moment Batman slide down the back of a Brontosaurus and clicked his heels to unlock his hidden ice skates, you knew what you were in for.
- Freeze's plan in the beginning was to steal a diamond. So why did he need a rocket that "could destroy the city"? What was he trying to accomplish with that?
- There was a scene where Freeze had Glider Wings and Batman + Robin surfboarded through the sky. (Yes, that really happened).
- Bane's origin was tied to Poison Ivy. Instead of the intelligent tactician baddie that broke Batman's back, we got Poison Ivy's brain-dead lackey. Yet somehow he is still the most compelling antagonist from this pile of crap.
- Poison Ivy's sole function was to be the object for Batman and Robin to fight over. In this incarnation, she needed to attach herself to men (Bane + Freeze) for her plans to succeed. The Pamela Isley from comics is a strong female character, who does use her feminine wiles and toxins to control men, but never needs a man as a partner in her schemes. If she does team up with someone, it's Harley Quinn. And when they do team up, watch out! Cause dem be some badass bitchez!
- The film wasted Paul Dini's tragic origin for Mr. Freeze and still expected the audience to sympathize with their ridiculous version. Anyone who wants to see the real Mr. Freeze go watch "Heart of Ice" from Batman: TAS. It made our top ten episodes list for that series because it redefined Batman's icy foe.
- Mr. Freeze made his gang sing along to "I'm Mr. White Christmas" and his hideout was inside an abandoned ice cream factory.
- Action scenes were awful. After one of the chase scenes, Batman defeats Freeze with one punch.
- Alicia Silverstone plays Barbara Wilson, niece to Alfred (yea cause that age difference makes sense for him to be her uncle), who later becomes Batgirl. Babs was from England and had no British accent. She liked to race bikes because she said it helped ease the pain of her parents' death, who died in a car accident She also said that she enjoys it for the speed and the danger. Basically she is walking contradiction. And how does a "few casual Judo lessons" enable you to become a vigilante and not be killed? I'm just glad the real Barbara Gordon wasn't trashed by the Schumeister.
- Can anyone explain to me what the fuck is happening at The Rainforest Ball?
- Bruce's subplot romance with Julie Madison is completely unneeded.
- Everyone just waits for Ivy to blow pheromones into their face.
- Rubber lips and The Bat Credit Card are both in the Caped Crusader's utility belt.
- Commissioner Gordon didn't get laid because he was old. Only time I felt sorry for that poor bastard.
- Finally, Arkham warmed up to the idea of co-ed cellmates!
- JOEL SCHUMACHER"S BIGGEST CRIME OF ALL: That poor bulldog that got frozen never got to take his piss, you fucking psychopath!!
Worst Line: "There's just something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl's lips." - Poison Ivy (But that feels like it came straight from Joel)
Worst Scene: In a movie in which I could have picked my favorite scene as the worst scene, I decided on this atrocity.
Verdict: The world has seen many horrific events occur throughout it's existence. Some that come to mind are the sinking of the Titanic, WWII, and the time Hostess went bankrupt causing them to stop making Twinkies. But all of those pale in comparison to the sheer horror that is Batman and Robin. It literally took me an entire week to convince myself to watch my favorite character and his universe be utterly destroyed by leather fetish and puns. So with this review I didn't try to fool myself, this film is one of the most painful 2 hrs of my life that I will never get back. It was a franchise killer, unforgivable in so many ways (which I listed above, but could have listed much more).
The crazy thing is that I really like a lot of people who were involved in this movie. I have roasted Joel Schumacher for his bad Bat-films, but he directed one of my favorite movies, A Time To Kill. And besides him I am also a huge Arnold guy. He usually is action gold and his ridiculous voice is one of the funniest noises ever to grace human ears. And of course who doesn't love Clueless with Alicia Silverstone? That's the film that first made me fall in love with Paul Rudd. Anyway it's just a fucking shame that Batman and Robin is what those people produced.
John Glover said that before every take, director Joel Schumacher would yell "Remember this is a cartoon!". I find that offensive to cartoons. Even awful cartoons like Uncle Grandpa are more serious than this abomination. Overall Batman + Robin gets a 1.5 out of 10. Finally the worst is over and the best is yet to come!
Thanks for reading! Did you think Batman + Robin was really that bad? Sound off in the comments. And make sure to check out the site soon for my analysis of Chris Nolan's Dark Knight Trilogy as our look back into Batman's film history continues. Also be sure to follow us on Twitter @Caped_Informers or follow me @cstrand73 for all your comic book news.
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